Do People Not Blow Their Noses Anymore?!?

Seriously. Everywhere I go I’m surrounded by sniffers and snorters who seem perfectly happy to make revolting sounds instead of reaching for a tissue. Maybe they don’t have tissues, but come on; winter comes every year, people. Be prepared!

Others obviously don’t find mucal retention as uncomfortable as I do. It doesn’t bother them, so they snort away with carefree abandon. Guess what, asswipes? That sound is disgusting and annoying! What is so special about your mucus that you feel you have to keep hanging on to it?
I was in the mailroom with a co-worker one time, waiting for the mail to come in. The co-worker had a runny nose, and he sniffed every ten seconds.

Every.

Ten.

Seconds!

I couldn’t stand it anymore – I handed him a napkin. He said thanks, wiped his mouth with it and went right on sniffing! I guess he thought he had some pudding on his face or something. Blowing his nose clearly hadn’t even occurred to him.

Two more co-workers came in and sat down. And they started sniffing! I had to get up and leave. Too much mucus for me!

Another time I was on the subway. A woman was snuffling away. I gave her a napkin, she thanked me and wiped her nose, and kept on sniffing! So I gave her another napkin. She thanked me once more, wiped her nose, and continued with the sniffing!

W. T. Fuck?

I’ve also had people give me a polite “no thanks” when I offer a napkin, even though they clearly need it. What’s that all about?
I’m coming down from a cold, and let me tell you – I am so grateful to have napkins and/or tissues on hand. I hate it when my nose runs, and find it very uncomfortable to not be able to blow my nose. Am I really so different from everyone else in this regard?

Oh. Em. Gee. Right now, in the room where I am writing, there’s a woman sniffing away!

What is wrong with all of you? Blow your fucking noses!

5 Demons - The Beginning!

The idea for The Five Demons You Meet In Hell came about because my then-publisher wasn't happy with a trend they saw in my work. I'd just submitted a manuscript to them that I was quite pleased with (aren't I always?) called Young Nostradamus, and they turned it down in fairly short order. "You always write about the bullied kid rising up and beating the odds," my editor told me. "We like to see our authors grow and try new things."

I still have plenty to say about the bullied kid, but I saw the merit in my editor's point of view. What if I mixed things up a little, and wrote from the POV of the bully?

With that thought, Boston Lefebvre was born. Don't ask me where I got the name from - it just popped into my head fully-formed and seemed right. It's certainly memorable. Boston was my bully, around which my new story would wrap.

But if anyone had the notion I was going to sympathize with the plight of the high school bully, well... they have another think bloody well coming! I'll write about a bully, all right... getting what he so richly deserves.

With that in mind, and given my fascination for the metaphysical coupled with my love for demons, it seemed only natural to send my bully Boston Lefebvre to Hell. The title was another inspired bit of brilliance - I just love a good spoof title! Harvard Lampoon has Bored of the Rings, Robert Rankin has Raiders of the Lost Car Park, The Sprouts of Wrath and The Toyminator, and I have a take-off of Mitch Albom's classic. If you meet five people in Heaven, it seemed likely to me you'd get five demons in the other place!

Also, I originally titled the book The 25 Demons You Meet in Hell, because I wasn't sure if five demons would cut it. I needn't have worried; five demons were more than enough to get the job done. Good thing, too - my spoof title works much better as-is!

The story came to me as I wrote it, and it was a joy to put on paper. I'd tell you more, but as one of my favourite fictional characters is fond of saying: "Spoilers!" Go check it out right now, with this link here.

PS: I just found out this very second that I'm not alone in spoofing Mitch Albom's title. There is a book on Amazon called The Five People You Meet In Hell by Rich Pablum! Guess he was faster on the draw. I have not read this work, but I am confident my novel and his are very different. It seems we had more-or-less the same idea on tag lines, however; both of us use the "This is not that book" gag. No worries. There's plenty of room on the Internet for both of us.

PPS: There's also a book called The Five Jerks You Meet On Earth by Ray Zardetto. I'm starting to not feel so special about my title now... :(

The Five Demons You Meet In Hell

That really big announcement I’ve been hinting at? Well, here it is:

On November 13, 2013, I will release my latest novel, The Five Demons You Meet in Hell on Amazon’s KDP program! Below you will see the finished cover artwork, courtesy of my artist friend Sarah Water Raven:

I’ve met many authors on Facebook and Twitter who have used Amazon to publish their novels electronically, with varying degrees of success. My first foray into the world of ebooks, Closets, has been something of a spectacular failure. I’m hoping that, with a more marketable novel aimed at an older audience, I will have more positive results.

So, set your clocks and start the countdown! And buy a Kindle. That would really help! And please, tell everyone you know, and even a few that you don’t, that Timothy Carter is back in the far-fetched fiction game!

Lord of the Matrix

I made a bunch of videos in late 2011 and 2012 - a new hobby for me that I leapt into with both feet. Then I stopped. I just lost my enthusiasm. A shame - I had a ton of great ideas.

Then, last month, I found the mojo again and madeLord of the Matrix. I got a really good deal on some action figures, and saw an opportunity to do a skit I've had in my head since 2002, the year the first Lord of the Rings movie came out.

I'd bought my brother a bunch of the Burger King LOTR toys for Christmas (remember those? Some of them lit up, some of them had sound bytes like "The Ring must be destroyed," and "Then what are we waiting for?"), because he's been a fan of the book for as long as I can remember. I was messing around with the toy of Elf Chief Elrond, played in the films by Hugo Weaving, and I remembered another important movie role Hugo had played - Agent Smith in The Matrix. I put some of Agent Smith's lines in Elrond's mouth, and took advantage of the fact that, in The Fellowship of The Ring, Frodo used the fake name of Mr. Underhill. "Mister Underhill," I said in my best Hugo Weaving voice. "My name is Frodo!" I added in a voice not totally dissimilar to Keanu Reeves...

After that, the skit wrote itself. I haven't even written it down, as such - I've just had it in my head for eleven years. Finally I've had the opportunity to visualize it, thanks to six affordable action figures from The Silver Snail, an Elrod action figure from Ebay, and a plush South Park Satan given to me years ago by a friend. Filming took about a week, using lots of cardboard for sets. In some shots I'm afraid you can see the puppeteer's fingers, but overall I'm pretty pleased with the way it turned out. Here it is! If you are a fan of both movies (and of Hugo Weaving), this will hopefully give you a few chuckles.

Working Out How To Work Out, In A Way That Works Out

I spend so much time exercising my mind, it's easy to forget to do the same for my body. Trouble is, I've never exactly been a workout kind of guy. Back in school, Phys Ed class taught me the joys of not being in Phys Ed class. As a result, the notion of getting in shape has always, in my mind, been synonymous with being shoved into lockers, mercilessly taunted, and occasionally threatened with hockey sticks.

Fitness Clubs aren't much better for me - the only one I nearly joined offered free membership and a free mountain bike. Except, to get the free membership I had to sign a one-year contract. Which cost $600. Oh, and the bike would arrive disassembled. I'd have to pay to transport it from the gym to someone whom I could pay to assemble it. Because that's how bikes are always delivered. Everybody knows that, Mr. Carter. That, at least, is what the insanely hot and ridiculously overtanned sales lady told me when I reacted badly to her scam.

So I don't go to gyms. I have trust issues, and I just plain can't afford them. And I might end up talking like a gym person. "Gonna go work on my quads," I heard a guy say. "Worked on my trys yesterday, pecs the day before that. Today it's the quads." I don't ever want to make that a part of my daily conversation.

So, what do I do to get my heart going? I walk. My neighbourhood has lots of bike paths and walking trails, and plenty of decent places to walk to. I'll head out somewhere, stop for some tea and do some writing, then walk back home again. Often I'll come home with groceries, which makes it an even bigger workout.

I'm sure if I were to discuss my exercise routine with some gym people, I'd be told I'm not getting nearly enough 'cardio', and how can I expect to 'tone up' if I don't have the right equipment? What does my personal trainer have to say? I don't have a personal trainer? How is it I'm not dead already?

Couldn't tell you. And yes, I might drop dead tomorrow. But it won't be because some jerk shoved me into a locker with a hockey stick while making fun of my quads.

Apocalypse Nowish...?

December 21, 2012. The end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar.

It's hard to believe that day is almost here. Even when that movie with John Cusack came out, we still had another three years to go. Now it's tomorrow. Not even the day after tomorrow! In just over an hour we'll know if The End of The World is upon us, or if the human race will continue to watch Survivor and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

It's pretty quiet out there right now. The weather's drizzly and unpleasant, but that could be any day in England. I've got a horrible feeling that 12/21/12 is going to be a day like any other.

Yes, horrible! I've been anticipating this day for years now, with books and movies and specials on the Discovery Channel fueling my imagination, and there were times when I wondered if the worst might actually happen.

I'm no stranger to the End of Days, having written Epoch, my very own version of it. Complete and utter worldwide destruction in the year 2012 seemed a lot more plausible when I wrote that novel back in 2005. Now that the day is almost here, I can't help but feel a little silly for giving the idea any credence.

Don't get me wrong, I'll be very grateful for the chance to continue living if the apocalypse fails to materialize yet again. Nevertheless, unless we get at least an asteroid near-miss, I'm going to feel just a tad disappointed.

Consider this: if The End does come tomorrow, how cruel is it that it's a Friday? You bust your butt all week at your job, only to go extinct before the weekend! F*$#ing Mayans.

As of now, there is less than an hour to go until December 21. That is, less than an hour in my neck of the woods. By now, that fateful day has already arrived for most of the people on the planet. With the Internet being the speedy source of info that it is, if India or China or Europe or Australia were facing Armageddon, I'm sure we would have heard something. Even Megiddo seems pretty quiet.

Of course, just because we've had thousands of years of advance notice doesn't mean the end won't come without warning. Ever hear of a rogue comet? Neither had I until I read about them just now. They're like regular comets except dirtier, which makes them harder to spot. One could be on its way right now... Or maybe that supervolcano in Yellowstone National Park will erupt. Or aliens might invade. Or zombies. Everyone loves zombies!

Just in case the worst doesn't happen, here's a link to the Apocamix, a "mashup of Hollywood's best end-of-the-world scenes" by Eclectic Method. Enjoy!

See you all tomorrow.