FanFiction Saved My Sanity!

I’m a writer. It’s who I am. So when I can’t write, I’m not very happy. Big identity issues.

I’ve been fighting the Block lately, and it’s been going on for a while. Part of why there haven’t been any new posts, either here or on the new one or even Biblical Proportions. Turns out I have just as much worth as a person whether I’m cranking out stories or not. Yay me! But still, I needed my writing mojo back.

Fan-fiction to the rescue. Currently I’m a couple of chapters into a new Doctor Who story, and I recently uploaded a fic that crosses Deadpool with The Big Bang Theory. They may not be my own characters, but they got my mojo working again. I feel like I’ll be back at work on my own stuff in no time!

No Sympathy For Ash Mad?

So, infidelity-encouraging and enabling website Ashley Madison was hacked. Private customer information was stolen, some of it was made public, and the hackers (known as Impact Team) have threatened to release everything if the company is not shut down. A refrain I’ve been reading a lot on social media is, “I have no sympathy,” mostly from people who remain blissfully unaware of what they are endorsing, condoning and congratulating.

Where some see karmic justice being served, I see a violation of people’s privacy. Plain and simple.

I understand where the non-sympathizers are coming from. Ashley Madison is a dating website for people who are already in a committed relationship. Because “relationships change over time,” as their spokesperson said in a commercial I saw years ago. “Life is short, have an affair,” is their current slogan. The victims of this cyber terrorism, as AM is calling it, are married or otherwise committed men and women looking to cheat on their spouses or significant others.

Another clear-cut case of boo right in the hoo. If all those allegedly thousands of home-wreckers are exposed, they are getting what they so richly deserve, right?

No.

This is not a black and white issue of villains getting their comeuppance. It is, as I said earlier, a violation of privacy. It is theft. It just happens to be the theft of private information of people we are only too happy and quick to judge. If the victims here had been Red Cross blood donors, or a list of people who’d contributed to charity, the hackers would be the bad guys, no question.

Now, the opposite could also be stated: if someone hacked the bank accounts of the head honchos at Goldman Sachs and redistributed that wealth Robin Hood-style to the poor, I wouldn’t be nearly so bothered. It would still be theft, and technically wrong, but would I consider it “wrong”? Or karmic justice? A lot of people consider Edward Snowden a hero because of the information he brought to light regarding Homeland Security. I tend to think there is a world of difference between exposing secret government surveillance on its citizens, and exposing all the people who have a profile on a cheating website. The assumption seems to be that everyone on Ashley Madison is a scumbag. Are they? A good question, but not a relevant one.

Also irrelevant are the hackers’ reported motives. They say the purpose of their attack was to address a lie in AM’s services. For a $19 fee, they will wipe a customer’s information and history from the site. The hackers say they do no such thing, that the option doesn't actually work. Are the hackers heroes for putting AM on notice? Maybe they are. That doesn’t change the fact that they stole information. If they make that information public, a lot of people will be hurt.

But they’re cheaters, Tim! Cheaters!

So what? What they do in their bedrooms or online is nobody’s business but theirs and their significant others. The cheated have a right to know that their partners are unfaithful, but would they want the whole world knowing their business?

“Up next to give his projections for the next fiscal year is Johnson, who as we all know has a spouse who’s cheating on him.”

“Wow, Cheryl, your designs for this new jet engine are almost as impressive as the designs your husband has on other women!”

“I hope these investments are more secure than your vows to your life partner!”

No, I can't imagine they'd want that information going public either.

Is Ashley Madison guilty of the fraud the hackers accuse them of? Maybe. If so, will they change their policies for the better? Possibly. Am I wrong for having sympathy for the victims of this cyber crime? Absolutely! At least, that’s what I’m sure many people will think and/or say. And they will likely interpret this post as an endorsement for infidelity. It isn’t, but I am being Hitler-adjacent once more. At least this time I’m prepared for the potential fallout.

Which is more than I can say for the members of Ashley Madison!

Writing’s a funny thing

I recently hammered out two short stories for an anthology that I would not have written if that anthology hadn’t existed. One of them was hard to write, and left me feeling very anxious about it. The other was an absolute joy that had me giggling madly and praising my considerable genius.

I did 8 chapters of a new novel, only to put it on hold so I could write those stories. I thought that maybe it wasn’t a story worth telling, but I’d started Chapter 9 and wanted to at least get that done. The interaction between two characters in that chapter created a wonderful moral dilemma and convinced me the book needs to be written. I’m now on to Chapter 10.

It’s nice to know that, nearly 30 years later, the writing process can continue to surprise me.

The Dangers of Standing Next To Hitler

For one thing, you might get killed by a time traveler. Think about it.

But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m saying that if you raise a controversial topic, the way I did in my last post, there will be people who will be only too happy to attack you for what you didn’t actually say.

I call it being Hitler-Adjacent, and it goes something like this:

You are researching World War II Germany for a school paper or an historical novel. Of the many facts you learn about that period, you happen to discover that Adolph Hitler happened to have been surprisingly good at golf. Huh, you think, and you post this random discovery on social media.

And then you get attacked for saying the leader of the Third Reich was an alright kind of guy.

You of course said no such thing - all you did was mention he was fairly proficient with a nine-iron. The trouble is, if you write this sentence - Hitler was good at golf - too many people will only read those first three words: Hitler was good. The taint of who he was and what he did covers all else.

I thought I’d been really clear when I wrote my post about the FHRITP incident that I wasn’t defending Shawn Simoes or his ‘right’ to say whatever he wants in public without any form of consequence. However, my calling into question the right and power of an employer to fire someone over things they’d said and done on their own time (and asking what the implications of such power might be) wasn’t done at a safe distance from the sexism and assholish behaviour of the FHRITP incident and thus couldn’t escape the taint.

I will be better prepared for the fallout next time around(and yes, I’m sure there will be one). Still, nothing could have prepared me for the perils of moderating the discussion in the comments that followed my Facebook link to my post(whew, that's a mouthful and a half!). During the worst of it I felt my identity as a writer called into question; dare I speak my mind again, if I can't handle the consequences? Hmm... speaking one's mind, and consequences... how very relevant!

But that’s another post for another time. Until then, I’ve still got quite a bit of taint to scrub off.

Fired Over FHRITP

This week the acronym FHRITP entered the lexicon in a big way. A bunch of soccer fans verbally harassed CityNews correspondent Shawna Hunt while she was delivering her report, saying things like “fuck her right in the pussy” from whence the acronym comes. Ms. Hunt turned and called them out on their assholishness, and the video of the encounter went viral. As a direct result, one of those assholes (Shawn Simoes) lost his job at Hydro One.

Actions have consequences, justice is served. The world now knows bad behaviour like that is not to be condoned, or written off as ‘boys being boys’. Karma’s a bitch. As Metro columnist Rebecca Kohler said, "Boo her right in the hoo!"

That dude totally deserved to get fired, right?

No. No, no, a thousand times no. Of all the issues brought to light by this incident, this is the one in which the full implications been overlooked.

I’m sure a bunch of readers have no doubt run off to tweet and blog about what a bastard I am for defending sexual assault and being a dipshit. It is impossible to raise a difficult topic without incurring the wrath of those who did not read the entire post. If this were a conversation, I would not have even made it this far before someone cut me off saying:

“So you’re saying it’s okay to degrade women?”

“So you’re saying he didn’t deserve any punishment whatsoever for what he said live on television?”

“So people like that are people you wanna hang out with, is that what you’re saying, Timothy Carter?”

And a world of etc.

For those of you who’ve noticed there is still plenty of post left to go, I thank you for sticking with me.

Let me be clear: Shawn Simoes was an asshole for saying what he said. He got called out for it and publicly shamed. Good on Ms. Hunt for not putting up with it, because for deity’s sake she shouldn’t have to. No woman (or man, or anybody) should ever have to put up with that kind of crap. The dude deserved to have that assholishness come back to bite him.

But I don’t think he should have lost his job. Answer me this: what is the connection between his reprehensible behaviour and his job performance? How is the work he does related in any way to something shitty he did on his own time?

I’ve heard that Hydro One made a statement to the media about how they don’t condone that sort of behaviour. Good for them. No workplace anywhere should allow that sort of thing. But unless Mr. Simoes was yelling FHRITP while at work, did the company really have grounds upon which to fire him?

First of all, this isn’t the olden days when everybody in town knew where everyone else worked, and could draw a direct line between a person and who they work for.

“Yeah, but people know he worked for Hydro One, Tim! If they didn’t fire him, they’re basically telling the world they’re okay with his asshole behaviour!”

People found out where he worked after the incident, not during. Was he wearing his work clothes? His employee ID? Even a T-shirt with the company logo on it? Did he say “FHRITP. Oh, and I work for Hydro One, in case you were interested”?

I reiterate: the guy acted like a tool. I’d feel uncomfortable working with that guy. His firing, however, sets a very dangerous precedent. How much control do we want our employers to have over what we may or may not say and do when not in the office? Will a company, concerned with dollars first and foremost, always stick to firings over behaviour the majority find offensive? Can we really trust them with that?

Put aside what Simoes said and did for a minute and think about this: what a person does on their own time, when not actually on the clock, is none of a company’s business. I have a friend who was once taken to task by a boss for using the “F” word on his own time. We both thought that supervisor was ridiculously out of line. With Simoes’ firing, bosses like that have just been handed a lot more ammunition. Don’t like that new guy at work? Find some footage of him saying something naughty. Bingo.

“We’ve seen a video of you out with your friends, Mr. Johnson, in which you stated that you don’t like packies.”

“But I said Packers! Green Bay Packers! We were just watching the game, and...”

“Nice try, racist. That attitude won’t fly here. Your career with the Pittsburgh Steelers is over!”

Humour aside, I hope you see my point.

“So Hydro One shouldn’t have done anything, then? Is that what you’re saying? They should have just let it go and let all their employees know that Simoes is the kind of guy they want working for them?”

Once word got out that Simoes worked for Hydro One, it would have looked very bad publicly if they hadn’t taken some kind of action. For example, they could have called him into his boss’s office for a conversation like this:

“We’ve seen how you act on your own time, Mr. Simoes. What assurances will you give us that you won’t bring that attitude in to work? We can’t control what you say or do when not on the job, but we can make sure it never happens here. We’ll be watching you closely from now on; any complaints of sexual harassment against you will be taken very seriously and punished accordingly. We will not tolerate that behaviour here at Hydro One, Mr. Simoes, do I make myself clear?”

Wouldn’t that have done it? It may not seem like a very big punishment, but I'm only talking about the employer's response here, not the justice we'd all like to see at the end of a Hollywood comedy.

I’ll say it again - Simoes deserved to face consequences for his words and actions. Here’s a question nobody seems to have asked - why wasn’t he arrested and charged? If I walked up to a woman on the street and told her I’d like to fuck her in her pussy, I’d expect to be charged for it. That would be an appropriate response. If I was filmed saying it, and the video went viral, and my boss warned me that saying something similar on the job would result in my termination, that would also be appropriate.

Terminating my job, though? Not appropriate. Because if it is, where do you draw the line? Where does it end?

Could I lose my job simply for having asked these questions in blog form?

“It seems you wrote an online post in which you clearly supported misogynist behaviour, Mr. Carter. Don’t bother to deny it, you said Mr. Simoes deserved to keep his job because sexual harassment is cool. At least, that’s how I interpreted it. So clean out your desk, woman hater.”

Have I just booed myself right in my hoo?

Ad Astra 2015 - Day Two: Personal Reflection

I'd like to quote Mark Twain, if I may: "I've lived through a lot of catastrophes in my life, some of which actually happened."

I offer that quote partly because quoting Mark Twain makes me seem infinitely smarter and wiser than I actually am. If I quoted from Plato, I might never get over myself. Mostly, though, it's relevant to my Saturday at Ad Astra. I dreaded 'going into battle' with the panelist I mentioned in my last post, whom I had to deal with in more than one panel yesterday. I thought of ways to score cheap points against this person, silly ways of dealing with them, or strategies wherein I could be the 'bigger man' and not let it bother me. Even though it totally would have bothered me.

And, like my friend and personal masseuse Mark Twain, I had nothing to worry about. We got along (not famously, but just enough), and by the end of the evening I went away with a deeper understanding of this person. I'm glad it turned out that way, but I am also grateful for this experience in general. I was genuinely scared to face this person again today - not because I was scared of them, but because I wasn't sure I could deal with it in a way that would leave me satisfied. This is a personal battle I've fought many times in the presence of difficult people, and I'd often come away feeling like a loser. "Don't let them bother you," people would say, but they'd always neglect to tell me how. When I went to do my panels yesterday evening, I was prepared to 'not be bothered'. Whatever happened, I would keep my cool and accept that I could not change this person, and scoring the cheap victories I'd imagined would only make things worse.

Did those panels go perfectly? No, not quite. I felt out of my depth in a couple of them, especially the one on romance in YA fiction. I'll write more about that later (because I have to catch a bus very soon!). However, I did come away from yesterday feeling satisfied. For me, it was a good start.

Apoca-Lynn: Genysys

My 2nd attempt at self-publishing success is a tale of love gone terribly, terribly wrong. I originally wanted to release this story on Valentine’s Day to take advantage of the dramatic irony, but April Fool’s Day will have to do.

Brief synopsis:
Bill O'Lannerman didn't know what he was getting into when he started dating a psychic named Lynn Woodslink. Childish, self-centred and kinda nuts, Lynn can read his every thought and move solid objects with her mind. When he broke up with her, she used those powers to put him in a world of pain. Aided by a club of spellcasting gamers, Bill struggles to survive the fury of his girlfriend scorned.

I had the inspiration for this story after watching a turkey turd of a movie called My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Directed by Ivan Reitman and starring Uma Thurman and Luke Wilson, it was about a guy who dates and then breaks up with a superhero named G-Girl. She uses her powers to take revenge on him, smashing his house, boiling his fish, putting his car into orbit, etc... until he finally apologizes for hurting her feelings. It rubbed me the wrong way - why was he apologizing to her?!?

Sure, it was just a movie, and a comedy to boot (just not a funny one). But it got to me, especially when I read some of the women-written reviews. They seemed to think it was a good thing when Uma’s character repeatedly smashed through the roof of his house. And when she threw a live great white shark at him? You go girl! If only all women everywhere could throw sharks at their exes. Wouldn’t that be great?!?

I didn’t think so, for personal reasons. I once asked a woman out to the movies, on what I assumed was a date. She emailed me back to inquire about showtimes, then added, “but don’t get your hopes up, because I already have a boyfriend!” I was upset - I’d thought I’d been pretty clear I was asking her out, and I thought the “don’t get your hopes up” bit was rather arrogant. I didn’t respond, and two days later I got another email from her. My lack of response had pissed her off, and she let me know it in colourful detail before signing off with “I guess all men really do want just one thing!”

Now I was pissed. I called a mutual friend to bitch about it, and he told me everything would be okay once I apologized to her.
Wait, what? She insulted me, I pointed out, and I have to say sorry to her?!? Yeah, my friend told me. You didn’t respond to her email, and that hurt her feelings.

So when I saw a movie in which a guy had to apologize to the woman who’d thrown a shark at him because he’d hurt her feelings? Yeah, it struck a nerve. I wanted to create a story similar to Super-Ex - a guy breaks up with a girl with superpowers, and she punishes him with those powers - but I wanted to tell it my way. And hopefully made a point or two about the way pop culture views male-female relationships. Apoca-Lynn is the result.

Yes, I’m aware that, oppression-wise, women have been given the short end of the proverbial stick for centuries. Yes, I know the media often portrays women and girls as sex objects with unrealistically thin bodies. I am a feminist, and view sexism as an evil that society should have grown out of by now.

But that doesn’t mean I should have to apologize to someone who hurt/insulted me. I think that holds true for all genders.

Of course, just because it touches upon some serious issues, don’t go thinking that Apoca-Lynn is some deep, message-laden manifesto! There are jokes aplenty, more per square inch of page than Evil & The Cupid War. It’s my favourite genre - far-fetched YA - and I’m in my element. It’s also a 1st person POV, a choice that was easy to make for this story. As with Evil?, it just fits.

I have high hopes for Apoca-Lynn. I’ve already started writing a sequel, Armagge-Dawn. If all goes well, I’ll have that one done and up on Smashwords in a year, maybe a year and a half. For now, enjoy this first Bill O’Lannerman tall tale. Here's the link for pre-sales - may it fill you with mirth. Unless of course you don’t find that sort of thing funny. That would be unfortunate, but don’t expect an apology.

Day-to-Day Depression

I love the way people assume that when I’m not writing, I’m doing editing or promoting or some other author-centred bit of business. They’d probably have a lot less respect for me if they knew how much time I devote to Candy Crush.

After all, writing is a Serious Business, and if one isn’t Dedicated to Working Hard, then one isn’t a Real Writer at all, and just a Waste of More Important Writers’ Time. While that last sentence is bursting at the seams with bullshit, I’ve met many an author/editor (or person who thinks they are an author or editor) who holds that opinion. What I take away from that is that my writing ‘street cred’ isn’t as high as it should be.

I suffer from a combination of depression, anxiety, and general laziness, and I’m never sure which one has the most influence. I know what Serious Writers would say, and I’m unable to prove them wrong. If it was just laziness, however, I could get over it and get on with things.

A typical day in the life of Tim happens something like this – get up, feed the cats, go to work, come home, Candy Crush and bed. Somewhere in there, I write. Most of my best writing comes during the half-hour before work, which these days is a temp job that barely pays almost what I need to survive. During the work day, I’ll look forward to all the writing-related stuff I can get to when I’m home. When I get home, however, my energy and motivation are gone.

Well, I must get so much done during those long employment gaps between temp jobs, right? If only. I’ll get up, feed the cats, go back to bed, sleep in, get up again for food, feed the cats again, think about doing something useful with my time, take a nap, try and get myself out of the condo to do some writing, come back, do something about supper, Candy Crush, bed. It takes an herculean amount of will to get me onto my computer to do some actual work. Or, you know, look for a job.

I don’t like talking about this side of me, because what are people likely to say? If I want things to get better, I should do something about it! Stop the pity party and pull myself up by my bootstraps, because success won’t just happen. Stop feeling sorry for myself, and using my mental health as an excuse not to succeed. If I point out they wouldn’t say the same thing to someone living with cancer, I’ll get: “Are you really comparing your mental health to cancer?”

Yeah, I do use my mood disorder as an excuse. Doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I don’t know where my depression ends and my laziness begins, so when I’m accused of not putting the effort in my critics are never entirely wrong. Trouble is, getting on with things is extremely hard, and getting harder every day.

I could have had Apoca-Lynn out months ago. Same for Closets. I could be having great success with my other projects, if I could only get to them. I want to get my work back out there, into the hands of agents and publishers. I want to have a solid marketing campaign on several social media platforms. All I can manage, though, is what I’m currently doing.

Sometimes, I beat the laziness. I send out some resumes, I fix a problem in a manuscript, I do something that matters. It’s never enough. Not if I want to succeed as an author.

I do what I can. And feel badly about what I don’t. I’m sick, and I am lazy. But I wasn’t always this lazy.

The world doesn’t care about mental illness, only about results. You won’t succeed at writing by playing Candy Crush, Tim! Stop making excuses and work! What do you think you are, a cancer patient?

Do People Not Blow Their Noses Anymore?!?

Seriously. Everywhere I go I’m surrounded by sniffers and snorters who seem perfectly happy to make revolting sounds instead of reaching for a tissue. Maybe they don’t have tissues, but come on; winter comes every year, people. Be prepared!

Others obviously don’t find mucal retention as uncomfortable as I do. It doesn’t bother them, so they snort away with carefree abandon. Guess what, asswipes? That sound is disgusting and annoying! What is so special about your mucus that you feel you have to keep hanging on to it?
I was in the mailroom with a co-worker one time, waiting for the mail to come in. The co-worker had a runny nose, and he sniffed every ten seconds.

Every.

Ten.

Seconds!

I couldn’t stand it anymore – I handed him a napkin. He said thanks, wiped his mouth with it and went right on sniffing! I guess he thought he had some pudding on his face or something. Blowing his nose clearly hadn’t even occurred to him.

Two more co-workers came in and sat down. And they started sniffing! I had to get up and leave. Too much mucus for me!

Another time I was on the subway. A woman was snuffling away. I gave her a napkin, she thanked me and wiped her nose, and kept on sniffing! So I gave her another napkin. She thanked me once more, wiped her nose, and continued with the sniffing!

W. T. Fuck?

I’ve also had people give me a polite “no thanks” when I offer a napkin, even though they clearly need it. What’s that all about?
I’m coming down from a cold, and let me tell you – I am so grateful to have napkins and/or tissues on hand. I hate it when my nose runs, and find it very uncomfortable to not be able to blow my nose. Am I really so different from everyone else in this regard?

Oh. Em. Gee. Right now, in the room where I am writing, there’s a woman sniffing away!

What is wrong with all of you? Blow your fucking noses!

Back In The Game

Just got back from Regina, Saskatchewan, visiting my sister Claire! Had a great time with her family.

Now I feel like I need to catch up on things. I've got a bunch of posts waiting in the wings, with updates on recent conventions that I want to share. Motivation continues to be a harsh mistress for me.

Hmm... mistress...

Ahem. I've also let my writing go. I promised a friend I'd submit a story to an anthology she is working on, but I haven't made any progress in over a week. I've also fallen behind on I, Suicide. I'm hoping to turn things around this week. At the very least, I want to publish my post about Can-Con.

Soon, my readers. I'll be back in the game soon...

An Excellent Title For This Post Is

A lot has happened since I last sat down to post. For one, I've given up soft drinks. Cherry Coke, Pepsi Twist, Doctor Pepper, Orange Crush, 7-Up... all are off my menu, and I'm a little bit healthier. Yay, me. Good god I miss them.

I've been to two conventions in the last few weeks, with another coming up this month. I'll blog about them separately, just as soon as I kick my ass to do it. In short, they were fun, they were wonderful, and they were learning experiences as well. Socially speaking, I'm still struggling. At least, I feel that way.

My depression has been more manageable lately. It helps that I'm currently employed; money is less of a stress. I've landed another data entry position at a bank, and it should run until the end of February.

I'm 90% through the first draft of I, Suicide, my spinoff novel from The Cupid War. I've been at it for three years now, and it's quite a different beast from my usual output. I'll be glad to see it finished.

The Five Demons You Meet In Hell is, in my view, a failure. It was a good first foray into digital self-publishing, and I've been told the vast majority of ebooks sell even worse due to authors being unknown to the masses. That was nice to hear, but 32 sales is still terrible. Nevertheless, I am going ahead with Apoca-Lynn. Glutton for punishment, am I? Maybe. But not ready to give up yet, either. I'm also going to re-launch Closets.

That's where I'm at right now. Blogging hasn't been easy, but I'm making an effort to get back to it. I still have a lot more to say.

Really Awesome Title

Wow, it has been a long time, hasn't it? There are all sorts of reasons why I just couldn't get back on track with this blog, and I don't intend to list them all here. Basically, I'm still doing ok, and I'm still writing!

I went to Can-Con two weeks ago, and plan to write a post about that as soon as I am able. This weekend I'm off to GenreCon, and am very excited to be doing so. And, if all goes well today and tomorrow, I'll have a new temp job lined up this coming Monday. SFContario is also in my very near future. I will have a lot to write about!

I'm glad I jumped in and posted this. Good for me!

My 2013 Post

So, 2013. Time to look back on it. And for the purposes of blogging, time to reflect on what was good or great about last year, and express positive hopes about the year just begun. Very important not to dwell on the bad stuff, as that would be Unprofessional and No Fun To Read, and just plain WRONG. It might get Too Personal, and nobody really wants that.

Except, I always try to tell the truth on this blog. Or at least, I always want to. I've whitewashed events or glossed over hurts for fear that it would Reveal Too Much, and Drive Readers Away. This blog's main goal is to attract new readers to my work, and to entertain and involve current readers in what I'm up to. It should not be about my personal life, unless it is to mark a positive occasion, or has something to do with my cats.

Everyone loves cat pictures.

But, regardless of what I Should or Should Not say in this blog, I'm going to discuss 2013 for what it was. I suffer from Depression, so even the negative events are positives when you consider that I got through them.

So, what was 2013 for me?

It was the year I landed a decent temp assignment, one that kept the bills paid from January through to June. For the first half of the year, Violet and I had financial stability. The company I worked for liked me so much that they kept me on when one contract ended, then extended my contract two more times. I was well liked by the people I worked with... except for just one person.

It was the year I failed, yet again, to deal with a workplace bully. I stood up to that bully, which for me is huge, but that didn't make things any better. I consider this a personal failure because I wasn't able to brush off this bully's behaviour as the antics of an insecure person. I couldn't just "not be bothered" by this person. I took it personally, I felt weak, and I couldn't rise above it. I still can't.

It was the year I finally qualified for Employment Insurance! That helped tremendously, because I couldn't find any more work until just recently. Job searching continues to be a hard and painful struggle for me. EI allowed us to survive the lean summer and fall months while we dished out resume after resume into the void.

It was the year Violet graduated from George Brown College with a diploma in Graphic Design! Very, very proud of her. This is a huge step forward for her career. My parents came up from Ottawa to be there for the graduation ceremony, and took us out to dinner afterward. Splendid days!

I finished the first draft of a new novel that I feel extremely positive about. I call it I'm So Goddamn Sick of Vampires. I still have to edit it quite a bit, but it is a good story and breaks new ground for me as an author. I also wrote a couple of new short stories, continued working on a Cupid War spinoff I'd started but abandoned in 2011, began a new Doctor Who fanfiction story, and wrote the first 3rd of a new YA Horror Comedy as well.

One of those new short stories had been written specifically for an anthology, following encouragement that I interpreted as a request from the anthology's editors. They turned it down. Second time that’s happened to me. Third, actually, if you count the time a magazine asked me to rewrite a story from a different character’s point of view and then turned that version down, too. That was a kick in the balls. Nevertheless I'm proud of that story, and Violet said it was one of my best.

I wrote numerous articles for Toronto.com. It was a great experience, and gave me a new perspective on professional article writing. For one article, I interviewed two of my co-workers for information on wedding venues. It was a fun experience that I enjoyed tremendously, and the pay was decent, too!

Then, the former editor returned and made some policy changes. One such change was to reduce the fee for articles by half. I decided my writing is still worth the same as before, so I haven't accepted any new assignments from them. A shame. It was great while it lasted.

Doctor Who celebrated its 50th Anniversary! As a big fan of the show, this was a big deal for me. The anniversary special, The Day of The Doctor, did not disappoint, and it was fun having it to look forward to all year.

I attended four conventions this year: Ad Astra, GenreCon, SFContario and Reversed Polarity. GenreCon was especially important for me, for two reasons. One, it wasn't in Toronto; the decision to do a con in Guelph was a big one for me. Two, I was asked by the organizers to come and be a part of the programming. What an honour! That meant so much to me.

I haven't written about my experiences at SFContario this year, or the panel I did at Reversed Polarity. Both were fun experiences, and both presented new challenges. I didn't write posts about those cons, or any posts since November, for reasons I will make clear momentarily.

It was the year I released a new novel, The Five Demons You Meet In Hell! I self-published the book through Smashwords, and it is my second attempt to break into the ebook market (Closets was the first). A good friend of mine, Sarah Water Raven, did a spectacular cover for me, and made me flyers that I handed out at my last three conventions. It was great to get back into the game once more, and with all the promotion I was giving it through my social media sites, I was certain it would be a success!

It wasn't. Or, to be slightly less negative, it hasn't been a success yet. From the day I released it, November 13, until today, I have sold exactly nine copies.

Nine.

9.

I haven’t even been able to break into double digits.

What, I’ve been asking myself, have I been doing wrong? Promoted it at conventions with flyers? Check. Even did a reading from it at GenreCon. Promoted it on the blog? Check. On Facebook? Checkity-check. Fan page and everything. Twitter, too. I have over 1,000 followers on Twitter, and nearly 1,500 Facebook Friends. That’s a lot, isn’t it? And I did special deals, like dropping the price to 99 cents on Black Friday. I figured I’d have sold at least 100 copies by now.

But I haven’t. I’ve sold nine.

NINE.

What. The. Fuck?

I did not take this disappointment well. I went into a serious funk, what many would call ‘Feeling Sorry For Myself’ but a select few would acknowledge as ‘A Depressed Person Dealing With Bad News’. I stopped blogging, withdrew even further from social activities, didn’t even bother to plan my birthday party until the last minute. And on a few dark days, I thought of suicide once more. Not terribly seriously, and never with intent, but always with a strong desire to just Stop. It seemed as if all my efforts, all my hard work, simply hadn’t paid off, and the future did not look bright at all.

I got through it. I always do, with friends and family helping me. I’m feeling better about things, and putting the poor sales of 5 Demons into a different perspective. It’s not the final crashing and burning of my writing career; rather, it is just another learning experience along the way. The book hasn’t had any reviews yet; my next goal is to get some. And, of course, to keep producing output.

So, 2014. Resolutions? Nah. Not unless I can think of some funny ones. What I will do is keep writing, keep going, keep believing in a future where that payoff comes.

And right now, I do believe.

Today is a good day.

Autumn Attitude

The summer has wound down, and fall is upon us. I'm hanging in there, trying to stay positive.

I've temporarily stopped work on Zombie Jesus Day again. For the last two weeks of August I was busy as all heck with three Toronto.com articles. Four, if you count the one they needed me to rewrite. I'm delighted I felt able to do that many articles for them. My confidence and motivation have improved. You can find those articles, and the others I've written, by clicking here.

I also wrote a new short story! It is set in the Cupid War universe, and relates directly to the spin-off novel I've been working on, I, Suicide. I'm feeling renewed enthusiasm for that project, which is why I've started work on Chapter 12 of that book instead of jumping back into ZJD. I will post that story here on the blog, but not just yet.

I'm going to attend GenreCon in October! This con is out in Guelph, which will necessitate a bus trip and a two-night hotel stay. It will be my third out-of-Toronto convention (the other two being Can Con last year and Con Cept in 2006), and I really want to do many more. My finances will have to improve before that can happen.

The first step to improving those finances would be getting a job. Finding one has been very discouraging; I look for what I want, but keep finding myself under qualified. Or over-qualified. Or they want me to be two or three different things at once. And then there are job search articles; you can find out what I think of those here.

I've been working on a new YouTube video for my channel. I haven't made one in over a year; I've had a good, fun experience getting back into the swing of it. I call it Lord of The Matrix, and I'll write a post about the making of it soon. Here's the link to the video. Enjoy!

I may not have a steady income right now, but I've had more good days than bad lately. The time off has actually been quite healing, and I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about my future.

A big announcement is coming soon. Stay tuned...

The Job Search Article, And Why I Hate It

If there’s one thing I really can’t stand about unemployment, it’s the condescending holier-than-thou tone of job search articles. We've all read them, and can spot their well-worn formula. They start with some snooty line about how you're doing it all wrong. That's the premise of these things: "So, you thought what you're doing right now is enough to get you that job? Hah! Silly, stupid job seeker. Let me set you straight."

And that's only the beginning. Everything in your life right now, everything you are doing or have ever done, is bad for your job search. That picture of the melancholy feline you posted on Facebook last week? What's a prospective employer going to think when they see that? Or how about that tweet from two days ago - Im so hapi 2 b here pepl! Not only does this candidate waste online resources on non-fundamental core competencies, but he can't even spell!

Your resume, or resumes in general, are gifts from the employment article gods. No matter how well-written, well presented, well designed or professional-looking you think your resume is, it’s wrong. It’s stupid. You honestly thought you could catch an employer’s eye with that?

The thing is, both the writing and reading of a resume is entirely speculative – there are very few rights and wrongs. One employer might like a detailed account of your job history, while others will want a one-page bullet-pointed list. Some like left-justified text, and others feel that centered text is the way to go. Have an Objective line. Don’t waste an employer’s time with an Objective line! Keep the details of your work experience brief. How can an employer know what kind of work you did if you don’t explain it in detail? Keep every job you’ve ever had on your resume – your time at McDonald’s tells an employer you are dependable, trustworthy and a good team player. Why did you put your McDonald’s experience on your resume – are you stupid?

Any point of view on resumes can be made to seem valid, as long as you sound (or read) like you know what you’re talking about. That’s easy to fake – add a dash of arrogance to whatever you think you know, and you’re there.

And then there are articles that throw in something like this: just because there’s a recession on and the economy is bad, that’s no excuse to slack off in your job search. You just have to work harder, dig into the hidden job market to ferret out those unposted jobs. Hidden job market? Are they making this up? Unfortunately, no. Most jobs, as they’ll tell you, don’t get posted. It’s one of many reasons why job searching sucks. The article writers are right about this one, but they don’t need to be so smug about it. Yeah, maybe I am a lazy dope who hasn’t dug in and explored the options and opportunities hard enough. Or maybe there is a recession on, jobs are scarce, and I’m having fantastically bad luck!

I know, I know, making excuses won’t land me a job. And a prospective employer might read this and think, this person is leveraging his inadequacies onto a slippery slope to a non-proactive attitude! This incumbent needs to utilize his deliverables on a going-forward basis if he is desirous of achieving synergy with our company’s strategic vision. I just wish that the writers of employment articles would resist the urge to add insult to injury. We get enough of that as it is!

Working Out How To Work Out, In A Way That Works Out

I spend so much time exercising my mind, it's easy to forget to do the same for my body. Trouble is, I've never exactly been a workout kind of guy. Back in school, Phys Ed class taught me the joys of not being in Phys Ed class. As a result, the notion of getting in shape has always, in my mind, been synonymous with being shoved into lockers, mercilessly taunted, and occasionally threatened with hockey sticks.

Fitness Clubs aren't much better for me - the only one I nearly joined offered free membership and a free mountain bike. Except, to get the free membership I had to sign a one-year contract. Which cost $600. Oh, and the bike would arrive disassembled. I'd have to pay to transport it from the gym to someone whom I could pay to assemble it. Because that's how bikes are always delivered. Everybody knows that, Mr. Carter. That, at least, is what the insanely hot and ridiculously overtanned sales lady told me when I reacted badly to her scam.

So I don't go to gyms. I have trust issues, and I just plain can't afford them. And I might end up talking like a gym person. "Gonna go work on my quads," I heard a guy say. "Worked on my trys yesterday, pecs the day before that. Today it's the quads." I don't ever want to make that a part of my daily conversation.

So, what do I do to get my heart going? I walk. My neighbourhood has lots of bike paths and walking trails, and plenty of decent places to walk to. I'll head out somewhere, stop for some tea and do some writing, then walk back home again. Often I'll come home with groceries, which makes it an even bigger workout.

I'm sure if I were to discuss my exercise routine with some gym people, I'd be told I'm not getting nearly enough 'cardio', and how can I expect to 'tone up' if I don't have the right equipment? What does my personal trainer have to say? I don't have a personal trainer? How is it I'm not dead already?

Couldn't tell you. And yes, I might drop dead tomorrow. But it won't be because some jerk shoved me into a locker with a hockey stick while making fun of my quads.

August Actualization

I've just finished the first third of my new novel, Zombie Jesus Day, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I've set it aside once more, until I've typed it all up. I can use the break to do a few more blog posts, like this one. Turns out I still have a lot to say.

I'm still writing for Toronto.com. This month I've taken on three articles! A couple of months ago, doing two would have stressed me to the max. Now, I feel fully confident in my ability to get all three done well before their deadlines. It's a sign that - mentally and emotionally - I'm getting better. A very positive step forward for me!

August looks to be a good month.

Reality vs Superman... and Me

Tomorrow I will take myself to see the new Superman movie, Man of Steel. I expect it will be well made, and probably a lot of fun. I also expect to see a number of attempts made by director Zach Snyder and writers David S. Goyer and Christopher Nolan to "modernize" Superman, to "make him relevant to today's audiences." Fine, I say. Whatever. As long as the main character is still Superman.

It doesn't take much to amuse the little kid in me. Add Superman to a movie, or a giant transforming robot (or both!), and you're 90% of the way to making me happy.

Other people, I've noticed, are much harder to satisfy. They want their inner (and outer) adult catered to, with childish things put away (or left to cartoons). They want their movies to have Reality, to feature characters and stories you would expect to see in the Real World. Fantastic stories have their place (again, cartoons), but if you want Grown-Ups to like it, you must make the fantasy Believable. Relatable. It must Say Something About the Human Condition. And Gritty. Don't forget Gritty.

Grit is fine, in and of itself. I'm a big fan of many Gritty, Relatable films and stories (like Batman Begins, Michael Bay's Transformers, Iron Man, etc). I do not, however, think that every story of the fantastic needs to be that way, especially if the concept behind it doesn't lend itself all that well to those elements.

Take Superman. He can fly. He can see through walls. He can lift continents, and his fists could shatter the Moon. And, he's a pretty decent guy. Hooray, say kids! Nonsense, say Grown-Ups. A character like that can't possibly be interesting. How can you Relate to him? He isn't tortured! He doesn't like to kill people! He's NICE, dammit! Such a man can't possibly be REAL.

No, he can't. Superman isn't Real. He isn't supposed to be.

But... Superman is something the child in us wishes was real. He's an amalgamation of everything that's good in humanity (so it's only natural that he's an alien!). He comes from above us, lives among us, and protects us from the worst in ourselves (and Solomon Grundy). Fine, say Grown-Ups, but he needs a Believable Reason for doing so. Is he trying to avenge the death of his parents? Is he making up for a mistake that cost his uncle's life? Is he fighting to prove his kind aren't evil whilst fighting the evil members of his kind? For God's sake, is the man Being Paid?

No. And that's Superman's crime against Reality - he protects us from evil because he can, and because he believes it is the right thing to do. That's it. No burning rage, no agonizing guilt, no paycheque. He's just a really nice guy with super powers.

That, of course, isn't Believable. That's not a Well-Rounded Character. Nice isn't Reality! Grown-Ups hate Nice. It's naive... childish. Real people aren't like that.

Nice guys finish last, no one will go out on a date with them, and they always get picked last in gym class. Nice guys are NOT supposed to be able to save the world from asteroids, alien invaders, criminal masterminds and kitten-capturing trees. They are supposed to get kicked to the dirt while the Real Heroes - the ones with guns and knives and attitude - embrace their dark natures and show ya how we get things done!

But Superman doesn't get kicked to the dirt. Because he's Superman. Try it, and he could punt you into the dirt... on Mars! Except he won't. Because he's Superman. Instead, he'll tell you not to kick him because you'll break your own damn foot. Then he'll fly off to put a stop to Lex Luthor's insane schemes, pausing just long enough to rescue a little kid's balloon.

That's not Interesting! People can't Relate To That! It's not REAL!

Why not?

Because nobody's actually like that!

I know. It's a fantasy. For children, or the young at heart. Or the naive. Or anyone who still believes that people can be good.

So I'm going to see Man of Steel tomorrow. And I hope that, despite attempts to 'make him relevant', he'll still be the nice guy in the red and blue suit with the super powers.

There'll be plenty of Reality waiting for me afterward.

Based on The Truth?

Writers always weave their personal stories in with their fiction. It's one of the things that makes each author different (and bad authors that much easier to spot). Be it a person, a place, a thing or an event, not a single experience in a writer's life is ever wasted - not when it can be used to make their work feel more real.

My recent short story,Walk of Evil, and my upcoming The Cupid War: Fallon's First Couple, are great examples of my fiction combined with my life. My Cupid War short story, due to be released here on November 1, is a fictional retelling of how I met my wife. Not all the details are exactly the same, but Violet and I did meet at a spoken word event hosted by a mutual friend, and we each saw the other perform on stage before we'd been introduced.

Walk of Evil combined a number of things, such as my familiarity with Orillia and my love of Tim Horton's. The reason the story came to be was my chance meeting with a very devout woman at a church service attended by my cousins. This woman gave a talk about some of the things she'd done, including her 'faith walks' around mosques (with the intent of opening Muslim eyes to the Truth), and her efforts to cure gay people. Taking that brief impression and molding it into the character of Meredith (Walk of Evil's antagonist) was as easy as it was rewarding. If I see her again, I should thank her. Maybe. She did, after all, give me so much material to work with.

People often ask me if they're going to end up in a story of mine someday. The answer isn't no, but it's not exactly yes, either. Not all people are as ripe for spoofing as that faith walker was. I get bits of character from all over, and work them in when I need them. When it came to Meredith, the bit I took was bigger than most.

In the end, of course, it's all fiction. There is truth in fiction, however - each author presents the world as they see it in their work. That's what makes fiction feel true, which is important for drawing readers in. And, when you write supernatural fiction as often as I do, you need all the truth you can get!

Expendable - My Struggle With Bullying in School

There’s been a lot of talk on the subject of bullies over the last year. I’ve read about it in blog posts and newspaper articles, heard it from friends and media personalities, even saw a TV special on bullying in school. Much of this talk came as a result of the most recent string of teen suicides. So often it seems that, if you are a teen suffering relentless abuse from your classmates, suicide is the only way to make your suffering worthy of attention. And that simply isn’t acceptable.

Considering that this is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month, I figured it was time to throw my own two cents into the discussion. After all, I am something of an expert on the subject. There hasn’t been a phase of my life that didn’t involve a bully or three. They have, for better or for worse, shaped a large part of my life.

I’m going to detail four examples of bullying from my own school experiences (for this post I’m going to stick to high school bullying, and save workplace bullying for another time). I’m not looking for sympathy – it’s way too late for that. And I’m not “being brave,” either. I’m venting, and adding my stories to the pile. I do believe, however, that I can illustrate a crucial factor in why bullying remains a major problem.

1:
In grade five, I was attacked by a much stronger boy because I’d kicked his soccer ball. This boy knew karate, and gave me quite a few good licks before deciding that my offense had been properly dealt with. I ran and told the recess monitor, and she assured me that she’d deal with him.

She didn’t. I watched as she walked toward the stronger kid. Then, for no reason I could discern, she turned and walked off in another direction. I stood there, confused and hurt, wondering what she was doing. Wasn’t she going to go get him? Was she going to come back to him later? Maybe she would punish him for hitting me as soon as she’d dealt with something else? Nope. Perhaps she didn’t know for sure which boy had hit me. If so, why hadn’t she come back to me and asked? She could have done that, but she didn’t. For five minutes I watched as she wandered around in what seemed an aimless fashion, and then the bell rang and it was time to go back inside.

That was my first experience with the uselessness of grownups, at least as far as bullying was concerned. Other useless adults would say things like “you’re being a tattle-tale!” and “you have to sort these things out for yourself.” And, of course, “you’ve just got to develop a thicker skin!”

2:
In grade 7 I started attending a private school. They had a very strict policy on fighting – the one who started the fight would be suspended or expelled. Unfortunately, that rule only applied if punches were thrown. All other forms of physical harassment were deemed okay. You could be shoved, picked up from behind by your underwear, grabbed in a headlock or choke hold or wresting move, or even have your arms or fingers twisted or bent almost to the breaking point, all with the blessing of the school. And why not? It was just boys being boys. The headmaster himself once told me, “Timmy, ya gotta toughen up."

That’s why a boy whom I’d thought was a friend was allowed to scrape a sharp rock across my face while his two friends held me in place. He wanted to know if the rock was sharp enough to cut skin, and I was handy. Sadly, from his point of view, the rock wasn’t sharp enough to draw blood. He shrugged, tossed away the rock and walked away, and his two friends released me and followed. None of them spared me a backward glance. I didn’t bother reporting it: no punches had been thrown, so no punishment would be forthcoming. All I could do was try to “toughen up.”

3:
I liked to draw comic book stories back then. I was no artist, but the crude drawings I was capable of by the time I got to Grade 10 were good enough for me. I was (and remain) a big fan of Transformers, so they were the characters I drew the most. So pleased was I with my budding ability that I actually went and drew one of the robots on one of the school’s blackboards. This was five minutes before the start of my French class, so I wasn’t interrupting anything. I took my seat and gazed up proudly at my handiwork.

When my classmates arrived, they laughed and made fun of me. I’d expected that, and didn’t let it bother me. The teasing evolved into horsing around, and when the teacher arrived he wasn’t happy in the least. He saw my drawing, and saw the way the class was acting, and somehow in his mind he put two and two together. His response? He ordered me to write lines. I had to write out ‘I will not draw on the blackboard’ twenty times and bring it in for him the next day. I was so upset by this that I actually developed a tiny bit of backbone. At the end of the class, I approached him and asked why my punishment was necessary.

First, he yelled at me to ”just do it!” Then he calmed, and explained that the students had been acting out at the beginning of the class as a direct result of my blackboard drawing. Therefore, I needed to be punished for causing the behaviour of the other boys.

Looking back on this incident, I’ve been able to put myself in that teacher’s shoes. What, for him, would have been the path of least resistance? Punishing half the boys in the class, or punish the meek little boy who’d ‘started it’?

4:
The last example I wish to share occurred in Grade 11, when I’d left the private school and spent my remaining high school years in a public one. I’m not going to discuss how I was repeatedly picked on in Phys Ed (in front of the teacher), to the point where I had to quit the class. I won’t talk about the group of boys who relentlessly taunted and intimidated me in the hallways. I could talk about the creative bully who drew mocking pictures of me on the classroom blackboard every day for an entire semester, but I won’t. No, this final story tops them all.

I’d been on the private school’s cross country ski team during grades 9 and 10, so I decided to join the public school team. One of the coaches couldn’t walk properly due to a physical disability, and the other coach was a big guy who liked to shout. On many occasions they shouted at me, expressed irritation in my lack of ability, and on one occasion called me stupid to my face. I stuck it out because I believed that quitting – or giving up – was a bad thing.

Training started long before the snow arrived; we did a lot of running and weight lifting. On one occasion, the disabled coach brought in his wife to lead us in an aerobic workout. I wasn’t as strong or as fit as the others, and before long I was exhausted. I was determined to soldier on and give it my best – remember, giving up was bad - but I just couldn’t keep up. My arms flopped and my shoulders sagged and my breath came in gasps – basically, I looked absolutely hilarious to anyone who might have been watching. I know this for a fact, because some people were watching. I looked up at one point and saw two guys pointing in my direction and laughing like they’d seen the funniest thing ever. Did the coaches step in and put a stop to the ridicule? No, they did not.

Because the two guys laughing at me were the coaches. The two people responsible for making the team the best that it could be were openly laughing at me in front of the others. Proof, if any be needed, that my best simply wasn’t good enough.

As I said, one of the coaches was disabled. He couldn’t have done that workout any better than I did. You’d think he’d be more understanding and compassionate, but you’d be wrong.

Want to know how I felt when I saw my coaches laughing at me? I mean, besides humiliation and anger and self-worthlessness? I felt EXPENDABLE. To my mind, school officials are supposed to build students up, make them believe they can achieve great things. That should apply doubly for coaches and phys-ed teachers – their job is to have students leave school in better physical shape than when they went in. When two coaches go so far as to laugh at a student who is having trouble reaching this goal, the message it sends is as follows:
You’re not worth the trouble. You’re hopeless, and deserve to be mocked. We might worry about the self-esteem of your peers, but you? Who the hell cares? You’re a loser, one we’re more than happy to let fall through the cracks. You’re an acceptable loss. You have so little value to the team, your efforts are truly laughable. If you kill yourself, we’ll pop a beer and say, “Finally! What took him so long?”

This post has had many stops and starts, writes and rewrites, over the last year. I was afraid my stories might seem too self-pitying. Perhaps they are. Perhaps I simply need to “get over it,” and “move on” or “stop feeling sorry for yourself!” Nevertheless, I hope the point of these stories has been made clear.

If not, let me spell it out: school officials need to stop being part of the problem. They need to stop enabling the bullies and ignoring/punishing/belittling the victims. When students report bullying, they need to be taken seriously. Schools need to show students, and especially bullies, that something is actually being done. And not just the easy stuff, either. That’s been done. It didn’t work.

No school student should ever feel expendable.