Day-to-Day Depression

I love the way people assume that when I’m not writing, I’m doing editing or promoting or some other author-centred bit of business. They’d probably have a lot less respect for me if they knew how much time I devote to Candy Crush.

After all, writing is a Serious Business, and if one isn’t Dedicated to Working Hard, then one isn’t a Real Writer at all, and just a Waste of More Important Writers’ Time. While that last sentence is bursting at the seams with bullshit, I’ve met many an author/editor (or person who thinks they are an author or editor) who holds that opinion. What I take away from that is that my writing ‘street cred’ isn’t as high as it should be.

I suffer from a combination of depression, anxiety, and general laziness, and I’m never sure which one has the most influence. I know what Serious Writers would say, and I’m unable to prove them wrong. If it was just laziness, however, I could get over it and get on with things.

A typical day in the life of Tim happens something like this – get up, feed the cats, go to work, come home, Candy Crush and bed. Somewhere in there, I write. Most of my best writing comes during the half-hour before work, which these days is a temp job that barely pays almost what I need to survive. During the work day, I’ll look forward to all the writing-related stuff I can get to when I’m home. When I get home, however, my energy and motivation are gone.

Well, I must get so much done during those long employment gaps between temp jobs, right? If only. I’ll get up, feed the cats, go back to bed, sleep in, get up again for food, feed the cats again, think about doing something useful with my time, take a nap, try and get myself out of the condo to do some writing, come back, do something about supper, Candy Crush, bed. It takes an herculean amount of will to get me onto my computer to do some actual work. Or, you know, look for a job.

I don’t like talking about this side of me, because what are people likely to say? If I want things to get better, I should do something about it! Stop the pity party and pull myself up by my bootstraps, because success won’t just happen. Stop feeling sorry for myself, and using my mental health as an excuse not to succeed. If I point out they wouldn’t say the same thing to someone living with cancer, I’ll get: “Are you really comparing your mental health to cancer?”

Yeah, I do use my mood disorder as an excuse. Doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I don’t know where my depression ends and my laziness begins, so when I’m accused of not putting the effort in my critics are never entirely wrong. Trouble is, getting on with things is extremely hard, and getting harder every day.

I could have had Apoca-Lynn out months ago. Same for Closets. I could be having great success with my other projects, if I could only get to them. I want to get my work back out there, into the hands of agents and publishers. I want to have a solid marketing campaign on several social media platforms. All I can manage, though, is what I’m currently doing.

Sometimes, I beat the laziness. I send out some resumes, I fix a problem in a manuscript, I do something that matters. It’s never enough. Not if I want to succeed as an author.

I do what I can. And feel badly about what I don’t. I’m sick, and I am lazy. But I wasn’t always this lazy.

The world doesn’t care about mental illness, only about results. You won’t succeed at writing by playing Candy Crush, Tim! Stop making excuses and work! What do you think you are, a cancer patient?

2014, And the Stuff That Happened To Me In It

So, the New Year is here, as it always seems to be this time of year. Time to look back, time to look forward, time to make promises - sorry, resolutions - one has no intention of keeping (if pop culture is to be believed, which it usually is).

2014 was a good year for me. And, as a person living with depression and anxiety, I do not say such a thing lightly. Speaking of which, I've been tapering off one of my medications. If I can get off it completely while still remaining healthy, I'll be very happy (no pun intended).

So, what else was good in 2014? Let's take a look:

I sold the movie rights option for Evil, one of my best novels. I finished and posted a novel-length (or at least novella-length) work of Doctor Who fan-fiction, which you can find here. And, in the last couple of days before the year ended, I finished the first draft of I, Suicide, a Cupid War spinoff four years in the writing. I wrote a few short stories too, one of which is a Cupid War story! You'll be seeing that here before too long.

I was employed for well over half the year. Not bad, but I can do better. One resolution of mine is to break away from temp agencies. I'll say more about that in another post.

I visited my sister Claire in Regina. That did both of us a lot of good.

I gave up soft drinks, with only one relapse; I drank a half-litre bottle of Pepsi at my sister's place. Bad Tim! But the ginger ale I drank while I was fighting a cold does NOT count! That was for medicinal purposes. It's funny, people have asked me if I feel any better now that I've (mostly) stopped drinking pop. Honestly, I don't feel any different.

I went to four conventions this year, five if you count the Fan Expo (I don't). Each one brought me closer to my fandom friends while introducing me to new ones. Two cons were out of Toronto, another bold step forward in my self-promotion. Before you know it, I'll be a star attraction at San Diego ComicCon! Well, I can dream. Might as well dream big!

Not everything was good. Last month I got notice that The Cupid War is now out of print. I also removed Closets from SynergEbooks, so the only titles I have available are Section K (paperback) and The Five Demons You Meet In Hell (ebook). My novel-writing career has taken a huge hit, and it will take a lot to bounce back.

Part of that bouncing back will involve re-releasing Closets through Smashwords. I'm also planning to release my next ebook, Apoca-Lynn, through Smashwords on Valentine's Day. I'll keep writing, of course: next up is a sequel to Apoca-Lynn, and the continuation of Zombie Jesus Day. I have a lot to do, and for that I'll need a lot of motivation and energy.

Hello, 2015. Here we go!

An Excellent Title For This Post Is

A lot has happened since I last sat down to post. For one, I've given up soft drinks. Cherry Coke, Pepsi Twist, Doctor Pepper, Orange Crush, 7-Up... all are off my menu, and I'm a little bit healthier. Yay, me. Good god I miss them.

I've been to two conventions in the last few weeks, with another coming up this month. I'll blog about them separately, just as soon as I kick my ass to do it. In short, they were fun, they were wonderful, and they were learning experiences as well. Socially speaking, I'm still struggling. At least, I feel that way.

My depression has been more manageable lately. It helps that I'm currently employed; money is less of a stress. I've landed another data entry position at a bank, and it should run until the end of February.

I'm 90% through the first draft of I, Suicide, my spinoff novel from The Cupid War. I've been at it for three years now, and it's quite a different beast from my usual output. I'll be glad to see it finished.

The Five Demons You Meet In Hell is, in my view, a failure. It was a good first foray into digital self-publishing, and I've been told the vast majority of ebooks sell even worse due to authors being unknown to the masses. That was nice to hear, but 32 sales is still terrible. Nevertheless, I am going ahead with Apoca-Lynn. Glutton for punishment, am I? Maybe. But not ready to give up yet, either. I'm also going to re-launch Closets.

That's where I'm at right now. Blogging hasn't been easy, but I'm making an effort to get back to it. I still have a lot more to say.

Ad Astra 2013

As always, I had a fantastic time at this year's Ad Astra convention. Saw good friends, sold some books, did some panels and spent some money on stuff I really didn't need but kinda wanted. And yet, I came away from this con with a heavy heart, and did not book a table for next year.

Why not? Let me put it this way: if there was one word I could use to sum up the whole experience for me, however, it would be bittersweet. I had nothing new to sell, after all, and I had nothing on its way to publication to promote. It felt... like I was yesterday's news, making one last desperate attempt to get noticed before fading into irrelevancy.

Whoa. Got kinda dramatic there. That happens when I'm in one of my moods, a topic that will become even more relevant as this post continues.

Anyway, the con. I went down Friday evening to get registered, find my table, and attend a panel on ebook publishing that featured my good friend Sarah Water Raven (author of Detective Dochherty and the Demon's Tears). It was fun and insightful, but left me no wiser on how to boost sales on Closets(anyone? Pretty pleeze?).

Saturday was busy, with my first panel at 10 in the morning. My friend Monica Kuebler (of Burningeffigy Press, publisher of Section K) came early to run my table while I was away. The Changing Face of the Paranormal in YA featured myself, Kelley Armstrong, and moderator extraordinaire Amanda Sun. We covered a lot of YA paranormal ground, agreed that vampires have been done to undeath, and offered predictions on what the future of the genre might bring (hint - Angels!). I left feeling full of beans, metaphorically speaking, and thought I'd done a good job.

I didn't have quite the same feeling coming out of my 3 PM panel, Demons, Werewolves and Necromancers. My fellow panelists were Jim Butcher, Andrew Pyper and Douglas Smith, three guys who really knew their stuff. I choked on a couple of questions, but managed to hold most of my own as the panel went on. Don't get me wrong, those guys are terrific and did not try to intimidate me in any way, shape or form. I just felt a little out of my depth, like a little kid surrounded by the grown-ups. Of course, the image of the big kid is not something I've ever tried to resist (quite the opposite, in fact).

That night, a large group gathered in one of the Consuites to watch that night's episode of Doctor Who. It was a lot of fun watching a favourite show in the company of so many fans. Space was very limited, however, so there was a lot of shuffling about on the floor to acquire a decent line of sight.

On Sunday I had another 10 AM panel, followed by another at 12. Monica could only come for Saturday, but my fellow vendors were more than happy to watch my table while I was out and about. My first panel was Bullying-TNG with Kari Maaren and Sgt. Pat Poitevin. We discussed the issue of bullying in broad and specific terms, identifying weaknesses in so-called 'zero tolerance' policies and exploring a variety of solutions. Sgt. Poitevin (husband of Sins of the Son author Linda Poitevin)is an RCMP officer who specializes in anti-bullying in schools, and he offered a lot of useful insight.

My final panel was Fandom Mental Health Forum, with Adrienne Everitt, Kate Daley and Brenda Shaw (told you my moods would be relevant again!). All of us were in agreement that the panel time of one hour wasn't nearly enough. We all had a lot to say, and things got very emotional. Naturally I managed to get a plug for The Cupid War in there, but I was reminded of how important it is for me to write even more about mood disorders.

One thing about the con in general that needs to be said: the Timmies Girls were lifesavers! Three young ladies came around three times a day asking vendors if they wanted anything from Tim Hortons. Without their heroic efforts, many of us would have faced near-certain decaffeination.

The con was a good one for me; I sold more books than I thought I would, made some new friends, had lunch with some old ones, and did as much as I could with the time I had. Even so, I missed several panels, readings and parties that I otherwise would have loved to have attended. Some friends I caught only a glimpse of, and I'll have to wait for the next con to get another chance to see them. I'm not sure when that will be for me. I hope to attend Can Con in September, but time (and money) will tell. I still won't have anything new, nor an answer to the question of when will my next book come out. One thing is for certain, though - I am definitely not done with the fandom community. I guess I just really want to prove my worth. I know I don't have to, but that's where I'm at right now.

And, table or not, I will be back at Ad Astra next year.

New Business

I'm working on a new business plan for myself. My old novel-writing plan hasn't worked out, and it is well past time I swallowed that bitter pill.

The novels I've put out so far have all taken place in different worlds - stand-alones, in other words, with no recurring characters (even my demons have been different!). I really want to do a series, and my current project Zombie Jesus Day will play into that; it is set in the same universe as my last project, I'm So Goddamn Sick of Vampires. I have ideas for more stories in this universe, including an ongoing mythology, and I might even be able to work in a half-finished project from six years ago.

This new universe is where I feel I should be devoting my creative energy. That means I shouldn't be working on stories that aren't part of this new world, including followups to Evil and The Cupid War. I really want to finish I, Suicide, my Cupid War spinoff; a number of readers have asked me for Cupid War and Evil sequels. However, Evil and Epoch went out of print last year, and I fear The Cupid War will soon join them. Building upon those worlds simply isn't practical for me at this point.

I probably will finish I, Suicide, however. I'm invested in it, and it would be a shame to throw away all that material. It will remain a backup project, and will likely see publication as a self-published ebook. Not that my success rate with ebooks has been particularly high (anyone want to buy an e-copy of Closets? Please?).

Nevertheless, I do feel I should stop working on I, Suicide. I'm being all artist, and I need to be more businessman. On the other hand, I've learned never to stifle my muse. If it wants a story told, that's always been good enough for me. And who's to say I, Suicide won't be a big hit?

Nobody, that's who.

All I'm really saying is, I feel I need more focus, more discipline, and a fresh start in a new universe will get me a lot closer to that goal. That's the plan.

Let's see how it goes.

Out Of Print

You know how I said this month is looking pretty good for me? That was before I got the bad news. My books haven't been doing all that well, hence the decision on my publisher's part not to go ahead with another book from me. That was hard enough for me to take, but this new bad news is even worse.

My publisher has decided to let my first three novels go out of print. As of Monday morning, September 17, all remaining stock of Epoch, Evil, and Attack of the Intergalactic Soul Hunters will be pulped and recycled. This is a huge blow to my writing career; it isn't over, but it is in serious trouble.

I was expecting this news for Soul Hunters. It's been out since 2005, and since 2006 the average sales have been less than twenty copies per year. I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.

The decision to pulp Epoch and Evil, however, came as quite a shock. Epoch sold relatively well in its first couple of years; Evil, not so much. I had hoped this situation would improve as my Internet presence grew. Since Evil's publication, I've had lots of reviews and quite a few guest posts on numerous blogs. I've discovered the promotional possibilities to be had with Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Goodreads and Amazon, to name just a few.

I've also kept up a regular presence on the convention circuit. I'm a regular attendee of Ad Astra and Polaris in Toronto, and a few others when I could. I was the guy with the cartoony leaflets, handing them out to anyone who'd take one, leaving them on chairs and tables, trying to get myself noticed.

I've been busy, worked hard, and had an extraordinary amount of help. To every person who has friended or followed me, or Liked my fan pages; to every blogger who reviewed me, interviewed me, or asked me to write a guest post; to everyone who posted comments on those blogs, or wrote critiques of my work on Goodreads and Amazon; to every convention organizer and volunteer who helped set me up with what I needed, worked me into the programming schedule; to every fan I met at the cons who bought a book from me, took one of my flyers, sought me out at my table, commented at one of my panels, befriended me, and generally made me feel welcome and accepted... I can't thank all of you enough. I am so grateful, and feel so lucky, to have met you, and I want to shake every one of your hands.

And yet... it wasn't enough. Not by a longshot. I tried to get the word out, and all of you stepped in and gave me a boost, but the word simply didn't spread far enough. My novels didn't earn the sales required to justify keeping Epoch and Evil on the shelves.

Thankfully I still have The Cupid War, and I will continue to fight for it. It will be a much harder fight, however, now that I'm no longer taking up as much shelf space. I still have my small press books: my ebook for children, Closets; and Section K, my sci/fi comedy for grown ups. And, of course, I'll keep writing. I still have hope, and a burning desire to write I'll keep going.

Maybe someday I'll sell those three novels to a new publisher. The rights have reverted to me, apart from those already sold. I really don't know what's going to happen with the digital versions of those books; I'll update when I do.

This isn't the end. It does, however, feel an awful lot like the beginning of the end. I wish I sounded more positive about this, but I'm not going to sugar-coat the situation, either. I'm in a bit of a funk, and I'm not going to snap out of it for anyone else's comfort. This is me, reeling from a blow delivered by a harsh reality, and I haven't managed to bounce back yet.

But I will.

Closets on Sale For $2.99 Again!

Just wanted to post a note and let everybody know that my novel Closets is once again going on sale. The current discounted price of $2.99 will be in effect until Halloween. You can buy it on SynergEbooks' website here.

Ebooks on CD-ROM make great trick-or-treat pressies, you know. No sugar, for one thing. Just thought I'd point that out. Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more...