Day-to-Day Depression

I love the way people assume that when I’m not writing, I’m doing editing or promoting or some other author-centred bit of business. They’d probably have a lot less respect for me if they knew how much time I devote to Candy Crush.

After all, writing is a Serious Business, and if one isn’t Dedicated to Working Hard, then one isn’t a Real Writer at all, and just a Waste of More Important Writers’ Time. While that last sentence is bursting at the seams with bullshit, I’ve met many an author/editor (or person who thinks they are an author or editor) who holds that opinion. What I take away from that is that my writing ‘street cred’ isn’t as high as it should be.

I suffer from a combination of depression, anxiety, and general laziness, and I’m never sure which one has the most influence. I know what Serious Writers would say, and I’m unable to prove them wrong. If it was just laziness, however, I could get over it and get on with things.

A typical day in the life of Tim happens something like this – get up, feed the cats, go to work, come home, Candy Crush and bed. Somewhere in there, I write. Most of my best writing comes during the half-hour before work, which these days is a temp job that barely pays almost what I need to survive. During the work day, I’ll look forward to all the writing-related stuff I can get to when I’m home. When I get home, however, my energy and motivation are gone.

Well, I must get so much done during those long employment gaps between temp jobs, right? If only. I’ll get up, feed the cats, go back to bed, sleep in, get up again for food, feed the cats again, think about doing something useful with my time, take a nap, try and get myself out of the condo to do some writing, come back, do something about supper, Candy Crush, bed. It takes an herculean amount of will to get me onto my computer to do some actual work. Or, you know, look for a job.

I don’t like talking about this side of me, because what are people likely to say? If I want things to get better, I should do something about it! Stop the pity party and pull myself up by my bootstraps, because success won’t just happen. Stop feeling sorry for myself, and using my mental health as an excuse not to succeed. If I point out they wouldn’t say the same thing to someone living with cancer, I’ll get: “Are you really comparing your mental health to cancer?”

Yeah, I do use my mood disorder as an excuse. Doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I don’t know where my depression ends and my laziness begins, so when I’m accused of not putting the effort in my critics are never entirely wrong. Trouble is, getting on with things is extremely hard, and getting harder every day.

I could have had Apoca-Lynn out months ago. Same for Closets. I could be having great success with my other projects, if I could only get to them. I want to get my work back out there, into the hands of agents and publishers. I want to have a solid marketing campaign on several social media platforms. All I can manage, though, is what I’m currently doing.

Sometimes, I beat the laziness. I send out some resumes, I fix a problem in a manuscript, I do something that matters. It’s never enough. Not if I want to succeed as an author.

I do what I can. And feel badly about what I don’t. I’m sick, and I am lazy. But I wasn’t always this lazy.

The world doesn’t care about mental illness, only about results. You won’t succeed at writing by playing Candy Crush, Tim! Stop making excuses and work! What do you think you are, a cancer patient?

First Update of 2015 - All 3 Parts

So, this is my third attempt at an update in as many months. Previous attempts are posted below.


Here’s what I thought in January:

I’m typing up the last few chapters of I, Suicide. Feeling very good about that one. I wasn’t before, and I do have concerns with how it will be received. Now, I think it is very unique, and very different from all my other novels.

Kudos to me!

I’ve also started to work on a sequel to Apoca-Lynn. It’s early days, but I think I’m off to a good start. Apoca-Lynn itself is down to the final editing stage – I’m putting in a few more details to make the town more of a place. That way it’ll be recognizable in the sequels.

I need to get started on promotion. I want Valentine’s Day to be Apoca-Lynn’s release date, so I need a Facebook page and flyers and stuff. I wish this kind of thing came easy for me.


And here’s February:

Not as much progress as I’d like. I’d hoped to set up a Facebook page for Apoca-Lynn, and maybe do a Cover Reveal event. Sadly, my depression has delayed all that, and the editing process, too. I’m still trying to get the book ready, but there’s a long way to go and I have very little motivation.

I’m not even sure which online publisher to go with. Smashwords is nice, but I haven’t been able to draw much of a readership from them. Amazon KDP or Kobo are the choices I’m looking at now. Time is running out; motivation or no, I need to get moving on this one.

If only getting moving were easy. People in my life always reacted with annoyance, frustration and/or ridicule when I didn’t immediately get cracking on things in the past, whether just for myself or for them. Now that I (and most of them) know I have a mood disorder, things really haven’t changed much. Instead of seeing me as a lazy procrastinating slob, I’m a lazy procrastinating slob feeling sorry for himself and using his depression as an excuse.

Sometimes it is an excuse. Most times it’s a valid reason. Try explaining that to Life. You still need to feed and clothe yourself, no matter how sick you are inside.


And now we are in March. Apoca-Lynn is not out yet, but I do have a Facebook page for it. Maybe one day I’ll post something to it.

My current temp job has come to an end. Good while it lasted. We were just able to get by. Here’s hoping I find something else soon.

I have no idea what’s happening with the Evil movie. I’ve sold the film rights option, and that is all. If they do decide to go ahead and buy the film rights proper, I will make a very excited announcement.

Currently, I am up to Chapter 6 on Armaged-Dawn, my sequel to Apoca-Lynn. On the horizon are the continuation of Zombie Jesus Day, and more Doctor Who fanfiction. I have plans to make a separate blog for Section K stories, but that’s gone no further than the proverbial drawing board. I have a lot of stories to post, all of which require substantial editing. Honestly, no one is asking for Section K stuff. I don’t know why I’m bothering.

I could say that about a lot of things: my fan-fiction; my writing in general; certainly my attempts to get a better job. And yet, I keep going. Stubborn, I guess.

SFContario 2014: My Panels 'n Stuff

This was my third time attending SFContario, and it wasn’t as much fun as before. Not the con’s fault, except that they booked the same weekend as the Book Fair. A large number of con regulars chose the Fair, so the number of authors on hand was significantly lower.

This is not to say I had a bad time. There was plenty to do and good people to hang out with. I made a new fan (hello, Jayden!), enjoyed my panels, attended a fantastic reading, and even managed to spark some completely unintentional controversy! Click here for that story.

I did a reading myself from my upcoming novel Apoca-Lynn, and once again faced a tiny crowd of only four people. Nevertheless, we had a good time.

Next, I went to the much better attended reading by Madeline Ashby. She read from a new story, and it had me on the edge of my seat. Full marks to you, Madeline!

I had four panels that weekend, two on Saturday and two on Sunday. My first was on writing horror for children with David Nickle, Madeline’s fiancée. It went well, and made me want to rush out and scare the crap out of some kids.

My second panel was about the TV show Marvel’s Agents of Shield. I was a little concerned with how that one would go – my memories for the details of that show are not as perfect as my memory for Doctor Who or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Luckily I had plenty of help from my fellow panelists, and a great time was had.

My first Sunday panel was Troll or Insightful Criticism, about the rise of the so-called ‘trolls’ on the Internet who disparage everything they see. We discussed the difference between a troll and a harsh critic, boiling it down to a matter of respect for the thing being critiqued. The conversation naturally touched upon topics like Gamergate and cyberbullying. Sensitive issues, but they made for a good panel.

Sunday also saw the debut of Adi Everett’s mental health and fandom panel at SFContario, renamed Fandom and Disability. We had a good turnout for that one, and the expanded scope to include all forms of disability led to some great discussion. The room we held the panel in was the least accessible for people with disabilities, an irony that was not lost on anyone.

After all was said and/or done at the closing ceremony, I went up to the Consuite for the Dead Dog, otherwise known as the afterparty. There was lots of food (I cut the ham!) and plenty to drink – it was hard to stick to my no-pop rule, but I managed.

The next day I was back at work with a fandom-sized hole in my heart. Until next year!

An Excellent Title For This Post Is

A lot has happened since I last sat down to post. For one, I've given up soft drinks. Cherry Coke, Pepsi Twist, Doctor Pepper, Orange Crush, 7-Up... all are off my menu, and I'm a little bit healthier. Yay, me. Good god I miss them.

I've been to two conventions in the last few weeks, with another coming up this month. I'll blog about them separately, just as soon as I kick my ass to do it. In short, they were fun, they were wonderful, and they were learning experiences as well. Socially speaking, I'm still struggling. At least, I feel that way.

My depression has been more manageable lately. It helps that I'm currently employed; money is less of a stress. I've landed another data entry position at a bank, and it should run until the end of February.

I'm 90% through the first draft of I, Suicide, my spinoff novel from The Cupid War. I've been at it for three years now, and it's quite a different beast from my usual output. I'll be glad to see it finished.

The Five Demons You Meet In Hell is, in my view, a failure. It was a good first foray into digital self-publishing, and I've been told the vast majority of ebooks sell even worse due to authors being unknown to the masses. That was nice to hear, but 32 sales is still terrible. Nevertheless, I am going ahead with Apoca-Lynn. Glutton for punishment, am I? Maybe. But not ready to give up yet, either. I'm also going to re-launch Closets.

That's where I'm at right now. Blogging hasn't been easy, but I'm making an effort to get back to it. I still have a lot more to say.

Ad Astra and Beyond

The con is over, and Post Fandom Depression has set in. Or rather it did, back when I started writing this bit. Better late than never, I say. And I say it a lot.

I've since returned to the real world, where Violet and I must do our taxes, and I'm back in the wonderful world of temping.

But back to Ad Astra. The last day was memorable. There was the Mental Health and Fandom panel, which was reasonably well attended. All of us had a lot to say, in a compassionate and healing environment. I will always be grateful to this panel and its participants.

Violet wanted me to get a picture or action figure of one of her fangirl crushes, like Hugh Jackman as Wolverine or Chris Evans as Captain America. Preferably shirtless. I was unable to find exactly what she was looking for, so I got her this action figure. I have no idea who the character is, but he's shirtless and ripped, and he's got a sword. Violet very nearly liked him. Ah, well. Next convention, my Love!

The last panel I attended before setting off home was about Star Trek; I sat in attendance, and my friend and fellow author Sarah Water Raven was on the panel. I have to say, it went much better than my Star Trek panel back at Reversed Polarity (though not as good as the one I did at GenreCon). No Uber-Nerds, for one thing. And some interesting ideas were put forth. Well worth my time!

After that, it was time to say goodbye to a few stragglers before catching the VIVA buses back home. I sat across from a dude who had a bag of barbecue-flavoured sunflower seeds, and the area all around him was littered with shells. He taught me how to eat sunflower seeds, which apparently I'd been doing wrong all these years. You don't eat the shells - you suck the flavour out of the shell, crack them and eat the seed within, then spit the shells away. Good to know. Too bad he didn't feel like cleaning up after himself.

Monday, April 7th, involved a ridiculous amount of telephone tag with my temp agency to get me accepted into a mailroom job. It worked out in the end, though, and I was working as early as Wednesday. I've been sticking labels onto envelopes, stuffing envelopes, and lifting heavy boxes full of papers that will eventually end up in envelopes. Not the most challenging of jobs, but work is work. They are a good bunch, which certainly helps. Plus, my contact at the temp agency took me out to lunch last week! That's never happened to me before! Wow.

I've managed to get back into my novel Zombie Jesus Day, about which I am ecstatic. At the same time, my enthusiasm for my Doctor Who fanfic Bane of the Doctor has cooled a bit. I've got two more episodes still to post, so I'm not particularly worried yet. BTW, the latest installment can be found here.

Finally, I got back the processed German tax forms from Revenue Canada. I sent them off by Xpress Post on Thursday - did you know it costs $61 to send something from Canada to Germany via Xpress Post? Well, it does. It will be worth it, however, when they pay me the option fee for Evil. Woo-hoo!

My 2013 Post

So, 2013. Time to look back on it. And for the purposes of blogging, time to reflect on what was good or great about last year, and express positive hopes about the year just begun. Very important not to dwell on the bad stuff, as that would be Unprofessional and No Fun To Read, and just plain WRONG. It might get Too Personal, and nobody really wants that.

Except, I always try to tell the truth on this blog. Or at least, I always want to. I've whitewashed events or glossed over hurts for fear that it would Reveal Too Much, and Drive Readers Away. This blog's main goal is to attract new readers to my work, and to entertain and involve current readers in what I'm up to. It should not be about my personal life, unless it is to mark a positive occasion, or has something to do with my cats.

Everyone loves cat pictures.

But, regardless of what I Should or Should Not say in this blog, I'm going to discuss 2013 for what it was. I suffer from Depression, so even the negative events are positives when you consider that I got through them.

So, what was 2013 for me?

It was the year I landed a decent temp assignment, one that kept the bills paid from January through to June. For the first half of the year, Violet and I had financial stability. The company I worked for liked me so much that they kept me on when one contract ended, then extended my contract two more times. I was well liked by the people I worked with... except for just one person.

It was the year I failed, yet again, to deal with a workplace bully. I stood up to that bully, which for me is huge, but that didn't make things any better. I consider this a personal failure because I wasn't able to brush off this bully's behaviour as the antics of an insecure person. I couldn't just "not be bothered" by this person. I took it personally, I felt weak, and I couldn't rise above it. I still can't.

It was the year I finally qualified for Employment Insurance! That helped tremendously, because I couldn't find any more work until just recently. Job searching continues to be a hard and painful struggle for me. EI allowed us to survive the lean summer and fall months while we dished out resume after resume into the void.

It was the year Violet graduated from George Brown College with a diploma in Graphic Design! Very, very proud of her. This is a huge step forward for her career. My parents came up from Ottawa to be there for the graduation ceremony, and took us out to dinner afterward. Splendid days!

I finished the first draft of a new novel that I feel extremely positive about. I call it I'm So Goddamn Sick of Vampires. I still have to edit it quite a bit, but it is a good story and breaks new ground for me as an author. I also wrote a couple of new short stories, continued working on a Cupid War spinoff I'd started but abandoned in 2011, began a new Doctor Who fanfiction story, and wrote the first 3rd of a new YA Horror Comedy as well.

One of those new short stories had been written specifically for an anthology, following encouragement that I interpreted as a request from the anthology's editors. They turned it down. Second time that’s happened to me. Third, actually, if you count the time a magazine asked me to rewrite a story from a different character’s point of view and then turned that version down, too. That was a kick in the balls. Nevertheless I'm proud of that story, and Violet said it was one of my best.

I wrote numerous articles for Toronto.com. It was a great experience, and gave me a new perspective on professional article writing. For one article, I interviewed two of my co-workers for information on wedding venues. It was a fun experience that I enjoyed tremendously, and the pay was decent, too!

Then, the former editor returned and made some policy changes. One such change was to reduce the fee for articles by half. I decided my writing is still worth the same as before, so I haven't accepted any new assignments from them. A shame. It was great while it lasted.

Doctor Who celebrated its 50th Anniversary! As a big fan of the show, this was a big deal for me. The anniversary special, The Day of The Doctor, did not disappoint, and it was fun having it to look forward to all year.

I attended four conventions this year: Ad Astra, GenreCon, SFContario and Reversed Polarity. GenreCon was especially important for me, for two reasons. One, it wasn't in Toronto; the decision to do a con in Guelph was a big one for me. Two, I was asked by the organizers to come and be a part of the programming. What an honour! That meant so much to me.

I haven't written about my experiences at SFContario this year, or the panel I did at Reversed Polarity. Both were fun experiences, and both presented new challenges. I didn't write posts about those cons, or any posts since November, for reasons I will make clear momentarily.

It was the year I released a new novel, The Five Demons You Meet In Hell! I self-published the book through Smashwords, and it is my second attempt to break into the ebook market (Closets was the first). A good friend of mine, Sarah Water Raven, did a spectacular cover for me, and made me flyers that I handed out at my last three conventions. It was great to get back into the game once more, and with all the promotion I was giving it through my social media sites, I was certain it would be a success!

It wasn't. Or, to be slightly less negative, it hasn't been a success yet. From the day I released it, November 13, until today, I have sold exactly nine copies.

Nine.

9.

I haven’t even been able to break into double digits.

What, I’ve been asking myself, have I been doing wrong? Promoted it at conventions with flyers? Check. Even did a reading from it at GenreCon. Promoted it on the blog? Check. On Facebook? Checkity-check. Fan page and everything. Twitter, too. I have over 1,000 followers on Twitter, and nearly 1,500 Facebook Friends. That’s a lot, isn’t it? And I did special deals, like dropping the price to 99 cents on Black Friday. I figured I’d have sold at least 100 copies by now.

But I haven’t. I’ve sold nine.

NINE.

What. The. Fuck?

I did not take this disappointment well. I went into a serious funk, what many would call ‘Feeling Sorry For Myself’ but a select few would acknowledge as ‘A Depressed Person Dealing With Bad News’. I stopped blogging, withdrew even further from social activities, didn’t even bother to plan my birthday party until the last minute. And on a few dark days, I thought of suicide once more. Not terribly seriously, and never with intent, but always with a strong desire to just Stop. It seemed as if all my efforts, all my hard work, simply hadn’t paid off, and the future did not look bright at all.

I got through it. I always do, with friends and family helping me. I’m feeling better about things, and putting the poor sales of 5 Demons into a different perspective. It’s not the final crashing and burning of my writing career; rather, it is just another learning experience along the way. The book hasn’t had any reviews yet; my next goal is to get some. And, of course, to keep producing output.

So, 2014. Resolutions? Nah. Not unless I can think of some funny ones. What I will do is keep writing, keep going, keep believing in a future where that payoff comes.

And right now, I do believe.

Today is a good day.

It's November Next Week!

How did that happen? Well, probably the same way October, September and August arrived, I suppose. Nevertheless, I am once again feeling that the passage of time is occurring far too quickly. And without my consent.

October has been a good month for me. It started extremely well with GenreCon, which amazingly enough is only the second con I've attended this year. My third con, Reversed Polarity, is coming up very soon. It's from the same people who have done the Polaris and Toronto Trek conventions, and it centres around the upcoming 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. I'm booked into two panels.

I prepared and uploaded The Five Demons You Meet In Hell to Smashwords, and I'm delighted to say it meets the requirements of their Premium Club (an honour that means wider distribution). You can have a look at my book's page on the Smashwords site here. I'm still working on some unforeseen complications involving payment and tax issues, but those will be resolved before too long.

Anyone interested in a free preview of 5 Demons can read a sample of it here.

My depression got a little worse this month, partly due to cabin fever. I need structure, and my lack of employment has left me without any. I wrote a kind of 'day in the life of' thing last week, but I'm not sure I want to post it. The day in question turned out to be a fairly bad one, at least for a couple of hours in the afternoon. What I ended up writing is intensely personal; one of the biggest fears a person can have is to reveal one's true, unmasked self.

I have a short-term job starting tomorrow that will last me through to the end of the month. That will be good for me, and my finances.

November promises to be a very entertaining month. Apart from Reversed Polarity, I am looking forward to Catching Fire and Thor: The Dark World. November 23rd is The Day of The Doctor, and of course there will be my own contribution to the world of entertainment - 5 Demons - on November 13!

My writing is going well. I've finished Part III of I, Suicide, and am ready to work on the next leg of Zombie Jesus Day. I'm also working on a new Doctor Who fanfic short story. There haven't been any Toronto.com assignments for a while, but that may change soon.

That's all for now.

May I Return

Whew!

Where does the time go? We're halfway through May, hot weather has arrived, Iron Man 3 and Star Trek: Into Darkness have both come to movie theatres (and both were awesome!), and I'm way behind in my writing. That Ad Astra post down there? Four weeks late. Current project? On hold while I type it up (again). Backup project? Kinda stuck. I need a new backup project, one I can feel some genuine enthusiasm for. Because if there's one thing that's been in short supply for me lately, it's enthusiasm.

I did, however, manage to get in a sentence that starts with Because. Take that, Grade 3 English! >:)

I have been taking a few freelance assignments from Toronto.com. That's been a nice side business, but it's also been stressful working to a deadline. Not a huge deal to some, but I am not some. I'm very anxious to do a great job, to be a professional, to deliver the goods. I wish I felt more grateful for this fantastic opportunity! I mean, I am. For sure. But due to my anxiety I often lose sight of that.

Nevertheless, I have written a number of articles for them, all of which have made it in on time. One was a Valentine's Day article, and they've already taken it down. The next one is about Toronto's best wedding venues, and that one is right here. I did four articles on the High Park neighbourhood - I'll share the links when those articles are published.

I've mentioned my anxiety. My depression has also been giving me problems. I've had a few bad days lately, and on those days I not only can't write, but I sometimes feel like I'll never write again.

But those feelings do pass. When they do, my pen is back in my hand. I know I can rely on myself to keep going. I do worry, though, that I'll never get back the energy and drive I once had.

Ad Astra... All Of A Sudden!

Ad Astra, one of my favourite conventions, begins tomorrow. And I only found out yesterday.

Well, that's not entirely true. I am, after all, signed up for a table and four panels. I'd just lost track of time, and before I knew it here it is!

Lucky my wife Violet reminded me yesterday - I'd have hated to have found out Sunday evening!

Below are my panels and times. I will be selling copies of my novels (and probably a few toys) at my table the rest of the weekend. Hope to see lots of you there!


Saturday 10 am Ellsemere West - Changing Face of the
Paranormal in YA Fiction
Amanda Sun (m), Kelley Armstrong, Timothy Carter
Characters of diversity, worlds built on non-western mythologies, and stories influenced by anime, manga and gaming culture are combining to create a new face of Young Adult Fiction. This panel explores the face of fantasy and the paranormal in YA and how it is changing. How does it differ from the fantasy books we grew up with? You’ll have to join the conversation to find out.

Saturday 3 pm Ellsemere East - Demons, Werewolves, and
Necromancers
Douglas Smith (m), Jim Butcher, Timothy Carter, Andrew Pyper
There are new trends forming in the paranormal genre. Traditionally ‘evil’ characters are turned into heroes. Paranormal fiction is expanding and so is the demographic of people who read it. How do you keep these new ideas from becoming cliché? What works and what doesn’t? Attend this panel to plumb the depths – and shallows – of the unknowable.

Sunday 10 am Arctic - Bullying- TNG
Kari Maaren (m), Timothy Carter, Sgt. Pat Poitevin
As SF and fantasy nerds, we were probably bullied as kids. With the advent of cyber-bullying, how do we begin bully-proofing our own nerdy kids? Not to mention the more subtle bullying we’ve become subject to as adults. In this panel, conceive and discuss effective strategies for dealing with the Biff Tannens of this brave, new world.

Sunday 12 pm Berczy B - Fandom Mental Health Forum
adrienne everitt (m), Timothy Carter, Kate Daley
Fans come together to discuss their struggles with mental illness and how the deal with it, both within Fandom and in real life. We will provide resources for getting help, as well as some worksheets to take away. This panel focuses on creating a safe environment for people to share successes and failures in dealing with mental illness. This panel is a non-professional peer support initiative and is not intended to replace professional/medical advice.

I've Been Avoiding You

All of you. I've been neglecting this blog, stuck for something to say, and afraid to say anything.

It seems like such an effort, some times.

I'd meant to do some New Year's stuff, maybe a list of humourous resolutions. I've been drafting a couple of posts about my current plans and projects, but not finishing them. I've even been ignoring Biblical Proportions, and I have so much more to do there!

Some of the fun is gone. One of the main reasons I got into blogging was to draw attention to my books. Now three of them are out of print, and one of them I can't even give away, no matter how hard or how many times I plug it. The Cupid War remains on bookshelves, but for how long?

I try to be positive, but the whole situation is kind of bumming me out. And writing mojo doesn't flow easily when one is bummed.

All is certainly not lost, however. My current novel project continues at a decent pace. I'll have some more posts up before too long. And, I've started writing for Toronto.com! Check this one out!

Time to climb back out of the pit of depression with the frayed string of my hopes and dreams.

2011 - My Thoughts

I could so easily talk all about the bad stuff from this year. In many ways, this was a very terrible year for me. There were, however, quite a few good bits, and those are the bits I'd like to share. So, in no particular order, here are my 2011 bests.

1. The Cupid War arrived in bookstores. Okay, that one was kind of obvious. But it's a pretty big one. I'm very proud of that book, and delighted so many reviewers gave it an upraised thumb.

2. I finished the first draft of a new middle-grade novel.

3. I have finally received proper treatment for my depression. This one is huge for me, and has led to many personal revelations and changes. For instance:

4. I have a clearer idea of what I want from life, and what I want to do.

5. I started making videos, including my Appeal To Emma Stone. It may seem a bit silly, but making that video got me more fired up than anything in a very long time.

6. Speaking of Emma Stone, my sudden interest in her led me to some very good movies that I otherwise would not have seen. The Help was an excellent movie, and Paper Man broke my heart.

7. Transformers: Dark of the Moon came out last summer, and it was AWESOME!!! And in 3D, no less. My fandom has been richly rewarded. And the toys were pretty cool, too.

8. Doctor Who: Series 6 was lots of fun. Favourite episode? A Good Man Goes To War.

9. My wife, Violet, got a lot out of her internship at Bell. As hard as it was supporting the two of us (and our cats!) during that time, it was wonderful to see her so happy.

10. Our cats, Karma and Ron, remain in good health. And are still adorably cute! Even though Karma just destroyed our Christmas tree, and Ron keeps stealing my side of the bed. Furry little bastards!

2011 was a very hard year for me, but I did make it through with some pretty nice accomplishments. I plan to build on those accomplishments, and have many more, in 2012. Until the apocalypse on December 21, of course.

Feeling Low, But Getting Help

Blogging hasn't come easy, lately. I've been busy. Up to new things. I've been making some videos with my new digital camera. You can check them out on Youtube here.

The main reason I haven't been blogging, however, is that I've been sick. I mentioned this in my last post, but I decided to be a bit more forthcoming.

I live with two mood disorders - depression and anxiety. I take pills for both, and they help to some extent. Some days are good days, and some are bad. The month of September was a series of bad days.

I won't get into all the details of why it was a bad month. A fellow author advised me against detailing my personal problems on forums intended primarily to connect with readers, and to some extent I agree. I'm not going to pretend that I'm always okay, however. And if I broke a leg or caught the flu, I'd feel no hesitation at all in saying so. Mental health issues shouldn't be treated any differently.

One negative side effect has been a sharp decline in my writing. Over the last year my productivity has gone way down, and for days at a time I wasn't able to create anything. I still had ideas, but no desire to write them down. I just couldn't. I was terrified I'd lost that desire forever.

Luckily, it didn't. I've been getting some much-needed help, and slowly but surely I'm picking the pace back up again. My treatment continues, and I plan to make up for lost time. I hope to blog more, but when I have a lot on my plate I tend to feel overwhelmed. Be patient with me. Become a fan on Facebook, or follow me on Twitter - I'm on those a lot more than I am here.

Remind me you are waiting, and nudge me along. It will help. It really will.